My blog is about the scenic, stressful, spectacular life (and everything screwy in between) of a
California girl turned expat transplanted to the land down under: North Queensland, Australia.

September 30, 2010

Day 2.

Yes, I know I said I would post this yesterday, but I had one of the lowest, worst days of my life yesterday and slept for…hmmm…18 hours. On the bright side, I woke up at 8am today, so I’m hoping to have reset my schedule. So last night I had a dream that I was begging my husband to let me go home. I was in tears, told him I couldn’t do it anymore. When he asked me why, all I can remember is flashes of fast food: Del Taco red burrito, Panda Express orange chicken, and the kicker-Wienerschnitzel chili cheese fries. I woke up this morning and vowed to make something spectacular today. I chose Olive Garden’s Pasta Fagoli soup. That…stuff..oh my God it’s good. Now someone needs to mail me some breadsticks and shrimp alfredo and I will be a happy camper. So on with Day 2:

Day 2: Something you love about yourself.

When I was in weekly therapy, my doc made me write down ten things that I was good at. Every time I wrote one down we would talk about it, and I realized something: every time I would say something good, I would negate it. Like, “I’m a good cook…when I cook. I’m not like, Emeril or anything”, or “I’m a good manager…actually no…scratch that…I’m too emotional”. I’ve been thinking about this answer for a day or so now, and the only thing I can come up with is this: I’m a good person.

When I used to pray, I would always finish with, “please let bad things not happen to good people”, and I meant it. I’ve always had an issue with the world-that it’s NOT FAIR!!! I’m always contemplating why God would take the inherently good, like my grandma. I tell myself she’s in a good place no matter what she may have believed because she was a good person. I truly think that whatever or whomever you worship, as long as you are good and kind you will end up in a good place when you die, wherever that place may be.

My empathy signal is off the charts. I have been yelled at by many bosses for using the time I had managing to console an upset employee, or sending someone home who was in tears instead of making them “suck it up and work”. Maybe it’s because I’ve been in more pain than you can imagine from being Bipolar, and a job is a freaking job. You need to take care of yourself first. I have a friend that is having a really hard time at the moment, and I have cried on his behalf because I just want everything to be okay. Many times I have yelled for God to “take me!!!'” when a family member has gotten sick or had a cancer scare.

Now of course I can negate this thought by saying too much empathy is a bad thing, but I can’t change how I am, no matter how hard I’ve tried in the past. When I meet people, even perfect strangers, I automatically try and put myself in their shoes or see if there is something I can do to brighten their day. You might be thinking, “but you’re not a little bad?” I think we all are. I’ve had the urge to punch someone in their special area. Have I? No. I’ve had to be the bad guy and fire people. It’s funny because even when I’m the disciplinarian at work, I feel sick after having to bring the hammer down on a lazy or useless worker because I know that it’s my face they will remember for firing them. They might hate me. They might say horrible things behind my back. I try to let the person know it’s not personal, but I may also spend more time then necessary trying to empower them or get them to see that this could be a wake-up call to do bigger and better things (I’m like George Clooney in “Up in the Air” except I remember everyone’s face and story).

So to conclude, I love that I am a good person. Yeah. I want happiness and love and rainbows to all the people in the world that deserve it. So there! :)

4 comments:

  1. Being a good person, there is nothing to negate!

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

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  2. I thought this was a beautiful post.

    FF xo

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  3. Hed...you ARE A GOOD PERSON. I have no doubt based on your writings. No one who is nasty and bitter could want those things for others.

    I too have been in management for more years than I care to remember and it's never easy but I have been respected by all my staffs for being fair and non-judgemental. I was once told by a higher up boss that the things that are my weaknesses are what makes me an excellent manager. I've never forgotten that. It's true.

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  4. Being a good person is not a bad thing. It is actually an awesome thing because there are too many grumpy and rude people in this world. So keep being a good person because you never know whose day you make just by being you. :)

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