My blog is about the scenic, stressful, spectacular life (and everything screwy in between) of a
California girl turned expat transplanted to the land down under: North Queensland, Australia.

October 04, 2010

Day 5.

I’m happy to report that even with my two breaks on this 30 Days of Truth journey, I am not the only one who is behind. I think some of us can picture their memories quite easily (as Canadian Blogger Girl is already on day nine!), and some of us have been lucky to be able to give shorter answers (ala Molly at Life of Cynicism). While I’m linking my other blogs, I’d like to say that over this past week I have connected with my fellow readers (and some of my favourite bloggers) so much that it’s almost like a support group in itself (I’m talkin’ bout you, Barb and FF). Today’s question is:

Day 5: Something you hope to do in your life.

There’s probably people who have really high hopes and dreams on their bucket list, like hot air ballooning though Paris, or eating Fugu in Japan. Mine is quite simple, and yet so far-reaching and complex: I hope to be stable.

Stable in every way, starting with my brain. I wake up each day not knowing how I will feel or what may trigger my moods. Stable with my job. I’d love to work at one job for longer than 18 months (the longest I’ve ever stayed at one job). Stable with my finances (possibly by having a job lasting longer than 18 months?) Stable, stable, stable!

howareyou_grey This is me, in a nutshell.

Growing up, I went to twelve different schools. My mom was a single mom and tended to shack up with her boyfriends, break up, move in with grandma and grandpa, and rinse and repeat. I was so angry that my sister and brother had the luxury of going to three schools their whole lives (8 and 5 years older, they had the standard elementary, middle, and high school upbringing). By 11 we moved to a new city. A big city. A city with people from all different racial backgrounds (I had lived in white town farmland), and I hated it. My sister (who was becoming a senior) hated it as well and was able to live with her dad in our hometown and graduate high school where all of her friends were. I was so jealous. I tried pulling the “I’ll live with my dad too!” card, but that ended up with me being in solitude, away from my father, and eventually in therapy (more on that here). I didn’t realize it back then, but having to move and adjust so much gave me the personality I have now. I had to learn to be social, outgoing (I was even voted “Most Outgoing” in 6th grade. Represent!), and adaptable to many different personalities. My sister has childhood friends from one point of view. My best friends all come from different towns: M from elementary school, Al from middle school, Di from freshman year in high school, and K from the high school I graduated from.

Speaking of schools, I have lived in seven different cities. Most were within the same geographical empire (909/951! Represent!), but all were different and changed how I viewed the world. The two bedroom apartment with three kids and my mom; the four bedroom house with the pool and the horses; the three bedroom house a block away from my old house (yet a different school zone); my first tract house (where all the houses looked the same); the GIANT amazing house where my son was born and the longest stay I ever had in one place (6 years). Moving out on my own had me living in a studio, a one bedroom duplex, a two bedroom townhouse and a one bedroom apartment. There was also a year where I branched out and moved to Orange County on my own and had a master bedroom and a closet so big I could have rented it out (more on that here), and where I am now, the beautiful tropical “jungle” of Queensland, Australia. The only two places that never changed was my dad’s house, and my grandparents' house. My dad lost his and now when I pass by it, it doesn’t even look like the house I was born in. On the other hand, my grandparents’ house looks exactly as it always has (they moved there in 1950), and I hope that when my grandpa passes, my parents will choose to keep it in the family somehow. Thinking of another family living there is sacrilege!

I’ve had so many jobs I have seriously lost count. There was the ice cream scooper; the school photographer; the sandwich artist; the barista; the video store manager; the bowling alley girl; the bingo caller; the clothing store manager; the restaurant manager; the make-up counter manager, and so on. Six months is the average, after that I get either bored and move on or have showed all my true colours (read:depression) that I feel I will never succeed so I quit. The best job I ever had I quit with no other job lined up. And an $1100 rent payment. Looking back I didn’t know what I was thinking, but I have always rationalized and found a way to bounce back. I grew up with new starts. It’s ingrained in me. I would love to have a job where, even though it’s routine, it’s fun and there is always room to learn more or advance. I quit aesthetician (skin care) school, but lately I’ve been contemplating if I should go back and finish my certification.

Reading back, maybe I don’t want stability! I can’t even imagine owning a house. Half the fun is decorating a new one! When I moved overseas, I sold about 90% of the things I have carried with me my whole life. The stability of items I remember from a specific time in my life are gone. Now, at 30, I have done something SO BIG as moving overseas that it’s almost like the super newest of starts. It doesn’t matter where I lived. Or worked. Or went to school. It’s all new. No one knows me here, or my bipolar, or my history. Still, to be at square one again is scary and exciting. I want so much to start developing a new life, a new timeline, a new story. And for God sakes I want it to be boring and predictable! (Right?)

3 comments:

  1. Sounds like you've got a lot of experience in life. I used to think I wanted to have one of those lifes that everything was the same mundane thing day in and day out. But when I look back at my childhood/teen years/and coming into my own early 20s I think every one of those changes/major events/crappy things, made me to the person I am today!

    You have a new start, and wanting to go back to school to finish is a great way to start out again!

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com
    ps. thanks for the shout out!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hed...thanks so much for putting a link on your page for me. That's so friggin' sweet of you. I really believe that you are an awesome individual and that what may be "normal and average" for some just isn't for you. There's not a damn thing wrong with that. When a person has children they usually want to settle down with roots but not the case with your mom. That doesn't make her a bad mother. You can adapt so quick to a change better than most I have no doubt. I had the stability when I was married. My son is still friends with some of the kids he was in first grade with. It was all good and I've no complaints about it. But meeting Bruce brought out the free spirit in me again. The chance to start over again and wipe the slate clean so to speak. I wish you nothing but good things and hope you someday realize that you are a remarkable person and believe it!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. As an air force brat I was dragged all over the world and at 8 I hated it, married an army officer and moved all over again and loved it. I think it becomes so ingrained that its almost impossible to put down roots. When I moved to Washington State from Texas 30+ years ago we changed houses every year or so, my itchy foot still. Finally, I was able to relax into a place enough to grow roots--but if I couldn't travel, get in a car or a plane and just go see what's around the corner, I would literally die. I loathe rooted, sedate, sedentary smug humans. So for me the answer to finding stability was to keep a foot in two worlds--one a nest to come back to, and two--using that nest as a trampoline to launch from. Its awfully nice not to have to start from scratch again and again. Of course, I am always tearing up something in the house and redoing it, paint, garden, some project or other. Again, I think itchy foot syndrome is genetic with us, we just have to learn to use it to help us instead of blowing us up again and again. And no, you will never be happy in some boring sedate job with no challenges. You don't start again, you keep going from where you are and school might be just the ticket, a challenge you are ready for and a new window to shove open and pop through! Keep writing! love you,
    Auntie Footloose(--and you wondered why I had photos from all over the world--lol, genetic I tell you.)

    ReplyDelete