My blog is about the scenic, stressful, spectacular life (and everything screwy in between) of a
California girl turned expat transplanted to the land down under: North Queensland, Australia.

October 15, 2010

I got the blues.

I haven’t had the push to write in a few days. My moods seem to be fluctuating a LOT lately, and the doctor over here that prescribes the crazy meds (what I like to call them) is on a 3+ month waiting list. My family and friends in California are going through severe dire straits due to the recession, and my mom’s knee replacement is still bothering her, and seems to be getting worse. My arm is covered in mosquito bites, and I’m waking up every hour with a severe case of the itchies. So yeah. I wanted to re-post from my other blog a story that makes me happy and yet sad at the same time. My mom asked me the other day when I was on the phone with her, “how can you be so sad yet your blog is so happy?” Well, that’s why my other blog exists. It’s the Hyde to this blog’s Jekyll I guess. So here it is.

 

I'll be 30 in three months. 30. Where is my house that I'm supposed to own? My 2.5 kids? My recreational vehicle? My food in pill form? (Okay, I didn't think we would be THAT FAR into the future.) I still feel like a teenager. I feel emotionally stunted. When I see high schoolers, I think, "wow I just graduated". No I didn't. I graduated 12 years ago. My son is a year away from being a teenager. I look back at my twenties with nothing but sadness. I did everything wrong, wrong, wrong. My friends and family that are just barely becoming an adult, I want to shake the crap out of them and say, "enjoy this time in your life! Don't be stressed! Don't be sad! LIVE!!!", but instead of going to jail for assault, I thought maybe I could write a letter to my 19-year-old self.

Dear hed,

Hi! It's you from the future. You are doing well for 19. You have a part time job that is paying $2k a month. SAVE IT. Trust me. Don't stress about the stupid people in the world. They will get theirs in the end. You are in a volatile relationship. Either work through it or get the hell out. Don't wait for another guy to catch your eye to leave. You will be fine alone. You have an 18-month old son that is starting to slip away from Autism. Be by his side. Your mom will fight you, and try and protect you, but prove to her you are capable of being a mom without her help, and mean it. Research everything you can on Autism, and make your son your number one priority. Wake up early. Get used to it. You will have to do it the rest of your life. Your best friend is your lifeline, and 10 years later, you will look at her and smile, because she is still there and living the live you should have lived alongside her. Don't let depression rule your life. On your days off, do an activity. Get used to the outdoors. Use sunblock, damn it. In two weeks you will have heart surgery, and you are scared. You will be fine, I promise. Please take this surgery to realize your health is a gift, and try to eat well. Exercise. Get used to it. You will have to do it the rest of your life.

When life hands you lemons (or a terrible boyfriend), make lemonade. You are okay single. I promise. The only man that is important in your twenties is your son. By the way, you are soooo not fat. Trust me. No one thinks you are a fat old hag for being a single mom. Spend more time with your grandparents and your great-grandmother. They are getting older. Enjoy the comfort of living with your parents. Yeah, it sucks, but you are living there rent-free. Go to as many concerts you can afford. Take road trips with K. Get more tattoos, you will still love them at 30. Breathe. Take pictures, lots of pictures. There is nothing at your age to be anxious about. Learn how to overcome roadblocks. It's okay to cry. Don't love a man just because he seems interested in you, learn to love yourself first. If you don't, you never will. GO TO SCHOOL. The still-fresh knowledge from high school will start to fade, do everything you can to preserve that knowledge to better you and your son's life. Read lots of books. Your son's father is a good dad, just not a good boyfriend. Appreciate him. Breathe more. Take your life one day at a time. Moisturize your face daily, and take off your make-up before you go to bed! Get a hangover. Have a blast. Don't stress, don't stress, don't stress. You will be okay. You will be loved.

hed.

Obviously I can't go back in time (oh, how I would), but I hope that my young friends, even my friends hitting 30, that they could take their days one day at a time, and know that every day is a gift. Wake up and smile that you are healthy. I have about 90 more days until my twenties are a memory, and I don't see some sort of turning point for myself before the big 3-0. I pray, I pray, that I can wake up on my thirtieth birthday and wake up and smile that I am healthy. And alive.

5 comments:

  1. yeah, and at 60, (how the hell did that happen? )I can tell 30 year old you to enjoy your 30's. At that age you are smart enough to enjoy being a bad girl--or a good one, but young enough to enjoy the hell out of it with no regrets.

    The most important single thing I know: Things change, nothing ever stays static and if you can't get through a day, get through an hour or a minute and just breathe and love the happy bits. Oh, and don't stop moisturizing either.

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  2. I was 29 for a long time. I loved being 29. I had one failed marriage behind me and had a wonderful man beside me. I was pregnant at 29 with my first beautiful boy. I am now facing 45. I havent done everything I thought I would by now, but I am still having adventures. No regrets. Mistakes happen. Lessons learned. before I read this post I read one by another blog I follow. Called 10 rules for being human i found myself agreeing.
    http://magentaminem.blogspot.com/2010/10/10-rules-for-being-human.html
    A big hug Hed. The blues arent fun. But you will get through them.

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  3. So honest! Great read!

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

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  4. Hed this is awesome. You need to keep telling yourself that you are good and deserving of happiness. I remember turning 30 and I was like you. Where was this life, house, the american dream I was supposed to have achieved. And then I said that I wasn't going to worry about it andf then things just happened. We eventually got the house, had the new car, etc. and all that stuff gets you is in debt. I am asking you to tell yourself every day "I am a great person" because I believe that very thing and I know so many others must feel the same way. I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes but I have paved the road that your shoes are walking on. It's not easy but don't look at the hardship of it. Look at what you have done for others. Feel good about the little things and I think above all else you need to forgive yourself for not being a perfect mother. Instead you should be so PROUD that you have given him what was best for him. That has to be the hardest thing you ever did but be glad he's so loved and doing great. You are awesome Hed.

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  5. ps. you got an award, check it out

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete