My blog is about the scenic, stressful, spectacular life (and everything screwy in between) of a
California girl turned expat transplanted to the land down under: North Queensland, Australia.

October 19, 2010

Warning: Neurotic post ahoy!

I happen to suffer from neurosis ( says: a relatively mild personality disorder typified by excessive anxiety or indecision and a degree of social or interpersonal maladjustment). I’ve always had this weird value system where people are either above me or below me, and I would say 90% of the people I meet are usually included in the “above me” pattern. While writing my other blog, I got some feedback from people saying things like “I feel that way too” or “I’ve never told anyone this, but..”, and it gave me a moment of clarity that made me realize that there is always more than meets the eye. A moment. I’m still neurotic, and I still see people as better than me. It could be the smallest reason: You went to school, you are raising children, you own a house. Lately there has been one more reason that’s eating away at me: You have more followers than I do.

Now, I read many blogs, and some are downright spectacular: Barb @ Bouncin' Through Life, Content Unrelated, Fully Fashioned, and The Bitchy Waiter are a few that come to mind. The stories they tell and the humour that seems to flow out of them is magical. There are others that I read that are good, or interesting, or sometimes they seem to have a gem of a posting. Then there are ones that make me fall asleep, like the blogs of Timmy’s first poo; the long, drawn-out post of choosing ecru or eggshell on the wedding stationary; and any post that has to do with religion I usually stop following ASAP. There are bloggers that just phone it in, maybe blogging once a month or posting a generic picture with a title and nothing else. Yet all of these different kinds of people have a strong influx of followers.

Some blogs have been around only a couple of months (like mine) and are well on their way to 100 followers. I know the schmoozing we bloggers have to do in order to get our blog out there, and I do them-within limits. If I follow a blog it’s because I really like it and will read every posting, not because I want to say “good post!”. I don’t want to get into detail, but there is one blog I really enjoy and comment on and the blogger seems to always skip past my comment and comment on the other comments (does that make sense?). Why do I feel upset when an anonymous person doesn’t reply to me? Why the hell should I care? Because I do. I’ve always been that person who genuinely cares about people, even strangers.

Just like in the real world, in the blogosphere I feel like an outcast. I have a couple of core readers and followers, but those readers have fantastic blogs of their own and everyone seems to know about theirs. I’m on the outside looking in. I’m grateful that I even have 19 followers (and 29 Facebook peoples), but when I see blogs with hundreds, I wonder: am I not interesting? Do I portray my blog self like I do my real self and people just choose to see me from afar? I don’t know. I could have just put this crap in a journal and let it be all mine, but I chose to try and express myself and my life publicly so hopefully someone like me could identify with it and feel better by reading (that applies tenfold to my other blog).

I won’t stop writing. Back in May when I started blogging about the pain I feel inside from being Bipolar, my pain would dissipate as I wrote. No one can take that away from me, even if I have zero followers.


  1. No please don't stop writing! This is your pain relief as you have said. I look forward to your posts and read what you say. I'll always be a follower...on Blogger of course!

  2. Sweet lady, I know how you feel. When the first time I had a reply on a certain very popular blog to one of my comments, I felt like the new girl at school being accepted by one of the cool kids.
    And beleive it or not, I was thrilled when the "amazing Hed" chose to follow my blog. I had read such wonderful comments about you that I had to find out what your blog was like.
    We all have days when we wonder if what we write is of any interest.
    I write nearly everyday. Somedays I get no comments, others I am flooded (well it feels like it). I can never guess what will draw the interest. I know that people read my "naughty blog" but I rarely get a comment and only 5 people are brave enough to follow publicly.
    Here I am writing an essay as a comment. Oh dear forgive me. Big hugs :)

  3. You know what're not alone, it takes time to get ur followers. I went through a lull where I was below 20 followers, its just this past month where I came from 20 some odd followers to where ever it is now. So...hang in there my fellow minion.

    Your posts I read everyday with my morning coffee, so you're important to me!


  4. Aww thanks guys! Your words mean oodles to me. I hate when I get all woe-is-me, but I'm honest! I read your guyses (guys'?) blogs every day as well. You rock! Hed

  5. I think we've all felt this way at one time or another. I just remember why I'm blogging and keep on going. I absolutely love the followers and the commenters but I started the blog for me.

    So just keep at it. Your blog is wonderful and I read it every time you post.

  6. I couldn't agree with you more.

    Blogging might seem like a numbers game on the surface; but honestly, I'd rather have 10 people who regularly read my stuff than 1,000 who click 'follow' and never come back.

    Like Jumble Mash said, remember why you're blogging and just keep at it.

  7. AAAHHHHH you're following my blog! I'm super honoured :D Thanks JM and Jeff, glad to know I'm not alone! Hed

  8. My sweet are incredible. Do you know that? I'm officially posting that you are my down under daughter!! So as your US MOM, you need to stop worrying about others and the number of followers you have. The actual followers you have love to hear what you say. You have a lot to offer. Perhaps others are not as strong as you are to admit their weaknesses. I can't imagine having 1,000 followers and that every one of them hangs on my every word. Statistically that just isn't going to happen. Yes there are people that say I'll follow you if you follow me. Who needs that? You certainly do not. You truly are one of the strongest people I've met in blogland. You've got a lot to offer regardless of the numbers. YOU are loved!

  9. I sent a really great comment as soon as I read this this morning. Dammit, sometimes blogger sucks. Basically I said that you need not worry about how many followers you have. Do you think 1000 followers are going to comment on your every blog. We could only hope but it's not realistic. It's like Facebook. People add friends all the time but never talk. The important thing is that you are expressing yourself and gaining close friends along the way. Oh yeah, and a U.S. Mom too. It will all come. Believe me.

  10. Rest assured many of your key followers are reading your blog, and are genuinely interested in what you have to say.. I look forward to reading your posts, keep at it!!

  11. Quality over quantity that is what matters.

  12. I'm really f*cking humbled by all of your posts, you have no idea! I'm glad that my readers are seriously all great people!

  13. I feel like that, too. And then I think about all of the stuff I like. The books and the shows that nobody else seems to have read/watched. And I realize that I am not a mass media person. That I'm different in the way I think and what I enjoy. And that I don't want to be normaled out enough to have mass appeal. Nor do you! And, just so you know, I'm happy to have found your blog. Because you follow mine, but when I click on your face, it doesn't provide a link to your blog.

  14. FF-Lame! I'll have to try and fidoodle around with the settings I guess. When I click on "Hed" in the comments, after all the silly questions and "about me" I see the two blogs I have...but that's not what others see? Good thing I always link my blog haha! Thanks for sharing (and following). I am terrified of planes, yet I have been to Australia three times. WTH! I love to live vicariously through your adventures, that's for sure :)

  15. This was a great post. I often wonder how people keep up with 100 plus followers. I am glad that I found your blog. Thanks for keeping it real!!

  16. Don't stop writing either blog. But here is the caveat - stop worrying about other people. Write the blogs for yourself. My motto is "My blog, my rules."

    I only started my blog to keep track of life and our goings on - but I am fortunate, no actually rewarded, that I have made special friends out of this. So have you I see.

    It isn't about numbers or who says what.

    Take the pearl and leave the oyster Hed - you will see that you are getting so much more out of it if you just don't think about it.