My blog is about the scenic, stressful, spectacular life (and everything screwy in between) of a
California girl turned expat transplanted to the land down under: North Queensland, Australia.

November 19, 2010

Changes.

This will be hard to write for a number of reasons, but I need to get it out there. I haven’t spoken to anyone about this except for about five of my friends and my mom-even my other family members don’t know about it. I’m going home.

The main reason I kept it a secret is because the only thing I succeed at is failing, and this of course is no exception. I see everyone shaking their heads in disappointment because I chose to leave this “Shangri-la” or however its imagined in their heads to come home, to move in with my parents and try and start over. At first I was so disappointed with myself I couldn’t even think. I stayed in bed with J crying until I cried myself to sleep. The next day was a fog, and I kept re-thinking my decision and whether it was right, if it was wrong, what am I going to do, etc. But I spent that night with J, and it was one of the best nights I’ve had in a year.

There are some people that can travel the world and pop in and see their family when they choose. I’ve learned I’m not one of them. Before I left, my healthy mom had to go in for a knee replacement that was supposed to improve in 8-12 weeks. That was 4 months ago, and she’s gotten worse. She can’t drive, has to take pain medication every day all the time, and has nerve damage from the block they put in during the surgery. She has gone from working 40 hours as a medical assistant to not being able to go to the grocery store. My 84-year-old grandpa drives a half hour out of his way to take her three times a week to her physical therapy so my stepdad doesn’t have to miss work. I hate being over here and helpless. And my grandpa, that’s something else altogether. I can’t call him while I’ve been here. I think of him, or hear his voice, and sob uncontrollably because I miss him so much and was convinced that when I left it would be the last time I saw him. I never contemplated my mother being ill, and now she is, and I need to be with her and do anything that I can to help.

When I told one of my best friends, the first question he asked was “so, are you going to file for divorce when you come home?” and the answer is no. Hell no. We’ve been apart for many months before, and it has only made us stronger. J is staying in Australia to finish his schooling and to save money. He’ll be back in the States at the end of May…but we’re taking things one step at a time. I just want to see him happy, comfortable, and fulfilled. If that means he has to stay in Australia for good, I will understand. I’ll be devastated, but I understand now how important your country, your culture, your way of life is to your entire being. And Australia is not my way of life. It never will be, even if we were in the heart of a big city somewhere.

At this point I don’t give a damn what people might think (which is a HUGE thing for me). I don’t care if they think I’m a loser, or a quitter. There are so many things that aren’t written down in this blog, so many behind the scenes that people don’t know about, so I’m throwing my hands up and just saying f*ck it. I would still like to blog. I wrote this blog as an expat, and I would like to start a new one as kind of like my new start. New blog, new start etc. I hope you will join me there (I really, really hope you do!!!) and as soon as I’m done tweaking it, I will give you all the blog address. I also just wanted to say thanks for reading, whether or not this blog is the end of the line for you or if you choose to carry on with me.

15 comments:

  1. I wrote you a whole big comment and then lost it. I hate that about blogger. Seems when I'm getting one on my blog it locks up and freezes what I'm sending. Anyway, I am so glad for you. I kind of thought that you needed to go home. You have to be happy inside to be happy outside. That's just a fact. Hubby is great to understand that. You'd never lose me as a follower. You're just too awesome for that. I want you to be happy!!!! And then I want you to come to the East Coast so I can meet my "daughter". hahaha. hugs sweetie... when is this taking place?

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  2. Well I will not judge you because in order to get through your days you must be happy with yourself. If you feel like Australia is Not the place for you then it isn't. If you feel like home is where you need to be then go to it. There is no shame in wanting to be around your family and friends who love you. So I hope everything works out for you and hopefully this will be good for you.

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  3. Barb and Xylina-Thanks for being supportive. It's hard to make a decision like this, but we both know its the right one for now. I'll post tomorrow about the new website :)

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  4. I came here from Jumble Mash...just wanted to say it sounds like you are making the right decision for you. You need to be happy, and being with/being there for family is often a big part of that. Your hubby sounds great--hopefully everything will work out for the both of you!

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  5. Xylina and AMC-Here's the website lol

    www.hedabovewater.com-aren't I clever? :)

    AMC-Thanks for reading-I'll have more to post soon.

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  6. Hed, I can't even IMAGINE making such a decision. I would hate to leave my family and I would hate to leave Boyfriend. But you gotta go what's right for you. Sometimes in life, you just have to think about yourself before anybody else. The best of luck to you, girl. Hope everything workds out.

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  7. Hed you beautiful lady you...the courage that it must of taken you to make this decision you should be proud of. I am proud of you. It will be my privilege to follow your new blog :)

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  8. Hed...I hope you know what an incredibly strong person you are. This is not an easy thing for you by any means but you know you have to do it. And you are. Please holler if you ever need any support or just want to vent. PLEASE. You can email me anytime.

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  9. Sweetie I have been so worried for you. I think you are doing the right thing. You and J will work through this and May isnt that far away. You must be worried sick about your mum and that sure isnt helping you settle. The world isnt so big these days with Skype and web chat and before you know it, you will be back together making a new life in what ever part of the world makes you both happy. I'm now going to wander over to your new blog and sign up there. P.s I know Barb calls hr self your blog mum, Can I be an Aussie Aunty?

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  10. Jumble-yeah, as I have yet to sleep (and it's 7:30am), I can't even lay next to my hubs without bursting into tears. Guess that's why Xanax was created...

    Vicki-thanks for reading, and thanks for following over there as well.

    Barb and Mynx-Thanks, yet again :) Mynx-Of course you can be my Aussie Aunty lol-who am I going to get to send me Tim Tams otherwise? ;)

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  11. Hed-
    What an incredibly tough decision...but sounds like you are choosing something that is best for you which will make you happy. I can't imagine being that far away from my family....I still have to jump on a plane but at least it's a quick flight...I agree with everyone- you're not going to lose a follower from over here...hugs for the tough decisions you have made and know that I am sending you lots and lots of positive vibes...
    BTW- since everyone else is getting in on the act...can I be a sister???

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  12. I can't imagine the emotions you must be going through girl! Your decision is the right one, and you know it is. Your hubby is a great man for understanding you needs also.

    I can totally relate to wanting/needing to be closer to family.

    Your family here in blogger world will never leave you! I know I sure won't!

    CBG
    canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

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  13. I've never really read your blog before, so obviously I don't know the whole situation and every little circumstance around it. However, after reading this post, I want to say, "wait.. why does this classify you as a quitter?"

    Last June when I hurt my sister (punched her in the eye, ruptured her surrounding blood vessels, and attempted to choke her), I realized that I'm not well.. AT ALL (understatement). I retreated to a lake house in Maine where a lot was contemplated, and came back to high school. Despite all the pressures around me and my parents goading me to have socioeconomic success, I decided to postpone college (or abandon it altogether). I also decided to quit working and tone it down in school so I can figure out all the little things that piled up which caused my becoming violent.

    The reason why I tell you this is not only to make you feel better but also to help you understand that no matter how bad things got down there, it's not over nor does it count as quitting. You can't quit can you? How exactly do you quit life (other than suicide)? So you having to move back and leaving everything behind is part of a story that's been going on since way before any of us were here on this Earth. You're not quitting. You're not starting over. There never was a beginning neither was there an end. However, there is such a thing as retrospect and learning. This is an opportunity for you to look back and make change, but not in the context of failure. You're making changes because you have to and that's part of what you have to deal with in life. I say this is something to celebrate Ms. Hed. It's the new transition in your life, and it is a transition even if you're going back to a familiar place. Transitions are always gruesome and difficult but they always entail something beautiful and new. Don't be disheartened. I'm glad you wrote this post with clarity, because that just shows how head strong you really are.

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  14. Colenic-Haha, I guess I do have a super-extended blog family, don't I now?

    CBG-Thank you :) It's good to know I have you in my corner!

    Prag-Holy crap you're still in high school? I mean that in the nicest way, it's just that you have more insight then I could ever even imagine to have, and I'm 30. When something goes down the way I didn't expect I classify that as quitting-it's in my nature. I think honestly as long as I have my family's and my husband's support in all of this I will be fine.

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  15. I don't know what to say. I know I have been missing from blogland for quite a while, and you may not get this comment, but I just wanted to come around.

    I have been worried about you and you have been so generous - but you have obviously made your choice. I can even imagine what it is to leave my husband - I think of the vows of "leave your parents and cleave onto your spouse" stuck with me - but then again my folks were different and eventhough I had kids and such I still could take care of my [terminally ill] father and raise my kids and stay with my husband. I guess the thousands of miles of distance makes a huge difference. I applaud you for sacrificing your marriage to tend to your mother eventhough your sister and brother are there. You are to be admired.

    I wouldn't want to be in your predicament, but you seem to be handling it the best way possibly.

    Have a safe trip home and take good care of your Momma.

    Miss you Hed. Take care.

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