My blog is about the scenic, stressful, spectacular life (and everything screwy in between) of a
California girl turned expat transplanted to the land down under: North Queensland, Australia.

November 06, 2010

This one’s for the ladies.

I woke up a little later than I have lately this morning because I was relishing the after-effects of a dream. In it, I was on a boat with my family and friends, and Christian Bale was on it and all over me. And I mean the current version of Hed, not some hot dream image of me. And I don’t even really fancy Christian Bale, but it was the Christian Bale from the “American Psycho” days, so…..rawr!

In the dream, he had promised to meet me at the hotel I was staying in after he spent some time with his friends to “finish what we started”, and I told him my checkout was at noon. He left, and I was absolutely convinced he wouldn’t show up. I woke up before I could find out the delicious or disastrous result!

The dream made me remember a blog from the other day about the best/worst kisses, so I lay in bed going through my mental slideshow of kisses. The worst kiss was also my first kiss. Now, you would think that anyone’s first kiss is bound to be awkward, right? Well,  this one was downright humiliating.

After the “Valentine’s Day Massacre” of sixth grade, I went home after school feeling defeated and miserable. The friends that lived around my house (who didn’t go to the same school as I did) were out playing, and there was a new boy with them: Brandon. He was cute, and I guess had quite the reputation of being a charmer with the girls (for you know, being twelve and all). He paid attention to me, and that was all I needed to get through the rest of this horrible day. The next day he came over and asked me out, which I excitedly said yes to.

We would sneak pecks all the time. All the time. Which then began a game of “the next time you kiss me, I’m going to make it a REAL kiss!”, which either of us failed to ever follow through on. One day my dad left us alone in his office, and I was feeling brave, so when Brandon kissed me, I opened my mouth and prayed I was doing it right. Within about half a millisecond, he pulled away and said, “that’s gross!” Suffice to say he broke up with me a few days later and I was crushed.

This morning I went in chronological order of all the first kisses I can recall in my life and whether or not I would classify them as the best ones I’ve ever had. I will forever remember the scene in “Pretty in Pink” where Andie and Iona are talking about the kiss Andie and Blaine shared the night before:

Iona: Does he have... strong lips?
Andie: How can you tell?
Iona: Did you feel it in your knees?
Andie: I felt it everywhere.
Iona: Strong lips.
Iona: I know I'm old enough to be his mother, but when the Duck laid that kiss on me last night, I swear my thighs just went up in flames! He must practice on melons or something.


That’s pretty much how I gauge amazing first kisses. I’ll start.

Number 3- In early 2007, I had to move out of my apartment in Orange County because my roommate had to move to Texas on an emergency. One night about a week before we had moved out, we took a drive to Jack in the Box for a couple of milkshakes. In the car (and like every other day) we were joking about standard roommate sexual tension. In this case, I had just ended a short relationship with his best friend, so I didn’t really see him as sexual, so to speak. When we got home, I headed to my room and stopped. I turned to him and said, “you know what? Just kiss me. Let’s just break the tension. You’re moving anyway. Just kiss me”. He laid his lips on me and BAM it was on. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me up against the hallway wall and was a great kisser. I still remember his lips tasted like cookies n’ cream. Mmm. It only lasted about fifteen seconds, but it seriously took my breath away. I went into my room and couldn’t sleep for a good while because I was a little too ferklempt, if you know what I mean.

Number 2-  In tenth grade, I was into local punk and ska. Bands like Guttermouth, the Skeletones, and the Voodoo Glow Skulls. Guttermouth was playing at the local theatre so me and my group of friends met up with some other friends I didn’t know so we could all cram in a van and head to the show together. There was a girl there named Sandra. She was really tough-looking: her long blonde hair was in cornrows, she was wearing a wife beater and long skater shorts the boys wore. We were all in my friends bedroom getting ready, and Sandra was in the corner on the phone. I was zoning out, staring at her when I noticed she had a tongue piercing (this was still back in the day when a tongue piercing was pretty rare for high schoolers). When she got off the phone, I said curiously, “I wonder what it feels like to kiss someone with a tongue piercing?” I was merely pondering the thought out loud when she walked up to me and planted one on me. Holy crap. The mixture of her toughness combined with soft girl lips was a little too much for me and I ended up being in shock the whole damn night. Apparently she took a shine to me and ended up protecting me from all the boys throwing elbows in the mosh pit at the show!

Number 1- In tenth grade (again), a boy named Miles told me he liked me. Miles was not my type in any way. He was…soft, and I was a rock chick who wore leather bracelets and black eyeliner. He listened to indie bands back when indie really was indie, and dressed the part. His friends ranged from the girls I always thought were way too cool to ever like a girl like me, to his best friend who dressed in all black and went to midnight showings of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”-in full drag. I’m not the type to discount someone just because they were different, so I spent the day with him in my friend’s neighbourhood (and made sure my friend tagged along with us). His different outlook was interesting, but I felt like we were night and day. In the evening, I had told Miles I needed to go, and my friend sat at the curb because she thought I may need a moment to let him down easy. He was very soft-spoken, so I didn’t really know what to say because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. We were underneath a streetlight and I went to say something, but he caught me off-guard and went in for a kiss. My knees went weak. Fireworks exploded in my head. The intensity and passion this sweet guy had was unbelievable! He pulled away and I can only imagine how stunned I looked. We parted ways that evening, and after a few more days fizzled out for good-on both ends. He ended up telling me we had very little in common. Fifteen years later I still remember every aspect of that kiss, and would KILL to have a friend with interests like his in my life. Oh, cruel teenage brain!

There are a few more studs and duds going down memory lane, but those three stand out most, probably because they were fully unexpected. Thank God my hubs is a great kisser, because every day I get to experience mind-blowing kisses. Awwww.


  1. OMG Number 2 made me laugh till I cried.

    I haven't had too many first kisses...

  2. I don't know about the picture, but this is the cutest post ever. How wonderful to remember first kisses.

    I can close my eyes and remember Pooldad on our third date giving me our first kiss and it still makes me weak. As do the kisses he gives me now. Wow. Thanks for the memory.

  3. hilarious! Thanks for sharing--I really did make it to 16 without ever getting kissed. I thought I would actually die if I didn't get kissed by the time I was 17. Not to worry--Harold Dee Ross to the rescue. He was so damned cute and he liked me. We started hanging out, actually sitting on my front porch everynight and talking about whatever the hell teenagers talk about. One night he was getting ready to leave and we standing in the dark by the back gate, he went in for the kiss and I swear to god, my knees melted. I have never, ever kissed anyone since then who could kiss like that and honey, I have been around. Harold was so good that my friend Kris and I agreed to share him. Yes, we did. She'd go neck for 30 minutes and then emerge for air and it would be my turn, until 11 p.m. and time for all of us to go home and have cold showers. Ah memories...

  4. Everyday mind blowing kisses...lucky you hed :)

  5. Morgan-she actually almost slipped my mind when I was thinking about kisses this morning. Uh, that and my mom reads my blog ha ha ha! (Hi mom!)

    Skippy-Yep, I still remember my first two kisses with the hubs as well...I'm pretty sure I have a blog archive about that one I'll need to dig up.

    Vicki-yep, he still makes me week in the knees :)

  6. OMG...I'm so jealous! Bruce is a phenominal kisser and he hates to kiss. You gotta know I love him because kissing is at the top of my list. So I gotta do without that Hed this was a great and unique post!!! Loved it.